The lost tribe

The words won't come hence the long silence. I'm no further to becoming an Orthopod than before. My passion is still in General Surgery. Long days and longer nights as the summer sky stays bright till late. Work fills the hours of daylight. Guilt fills the hours of night when I can stay awake long enough. 

The days pass by in a blur. Work, audits, and fending off BS's advances have taxed me to the limit. Being the only female in a male-predominant department is keeping me on my feet. I have to constantly be on the lookout that I'm not being taken advantage of because I'm the most junior and also the only female. I take out the stress on the road. My trusty car is my only vent. I know that if I keep this up, it will only be a matter of time before one of the people being wheeled into the resuscitation bay is me. And yet I'm addicted to the thrill of speed. Live life hard and fast. Burn bright like a shooting star, then die young. I always insist that I don't want to live past 45 years. That I don't want the scent of death and decay to ever touch me, that I want to go with the star still burning bright.

At times, I wonder what I'm doing here in the UK still. The locals are always surprised when I tell them that I only came here for my tertiary education. Most of them think I was born and bred here. It's not surprising considering I've spent a quarter of my life and half of my adult life here. I'm slowly but surely losing touch with my Asian roots. 

The other day, for the first time, I translated in Chinese for a young patient who had had an appendicectomy and was headed home. It wasn't my department but the staff nurse who knew me from my surgical job begged me to help. My Chinese is poor and has only been picked up from tv dramas but somehow I managed to translate and the young man gratefully thanked me as he left the ward. It was one of the most satisfying things I had done in recent times.

I realise that the initial culture shock when I first set foot on British soil has long faded. I have assimilated into the culture perhaps a bit too well. I often forget how typically Oriental I look with the long black hair, pale yellow skin and brown almond-shaped eyes. That's because all around me, my friends, my colleagues, my patients, they are inevitably either Caucasian or of Indian  or African origin. I have no Oriental friends in this city bar one. 

I met AW recently. He is of Chinese-Philliphino descent and works as an auditor. We went out a few times and for the first time in a long while, I felt comfortable. It was only then that I realised that I have never gone out with someone the same race as me, not since NW. Don't ask me why, perhaps it's just that I've never managed to meet or perhaps the right word would be infiltrate the Oriental clique. They are a tight bunch and I'm just a little too adapted. After all, my first language is english and I've never been formally taught Chinese. Perhaps I am a 'banana' after all.

So, coming to the end of a long pointless post, maybe I'm finally admitting to an identity crisis. I'm in the middle of nowhere, one of the lost tribe that people forget about. The Oriental children who come abroad to study then stay on, belonging neither to the East nor the West.

Career or Conscience?

And so happens deja vu.

Both men, senior in rank, years and experience; both married to other healthcare professionals; both with two children; both shortly to attend a job interview; both wanting to embark on a torrid extramarital affair. One has to wonder at the list of  coincidences.

Those of you who kindly commented were correct. He did in fact want something more. Ever since that meet, he's escalated his moves. He bleeps me at work for lunch or sometimes just to ask what I'm doing. He tried to get me to leave work early with him. He calls me after work, on his way home and when he reaches home. 

He is getting braver. He talks about wanting to get a nap with me accompanying him. He tried to persuade me to go home with him in the afternoon. What I find most disturbing is that he can do this with a straight face even amidst a crowded cafeteria crowd except in soft undertones. 

I do not want anything more than friendship from him and I am strictly against extramarital affairs. It is a principal of mine that I never attempt to form any relationship with men who are married, engaged or have girlfriends. 

I suppose some people would term this as sexual harrassment. I think it is. But he is a good surgeon and truly cares about his patients. He was also a good boss prior to him starting all these sexual innuendoes. Since he doesn't have a permanent consultant post, me even hinting this would probably destroy his chances of a consultancy post here. The senior sister on the ward had already hinted saying that she would never go out alone with BS because she thought he was potentially "dangerous", i.e. predatory. I know that she would easily believe me if I told her what he was doing. But I don't want to destroy his career and his family. 

I wanted to talk to him to end this today but he was ill and at a different hospital site. Indeed, he called me to ask me what I wanted to do. Whether I wanted him to come to my hospital site to have lunch together. He calls to ask what I am wearing, he asks me what I want him to wear to work the next day. It's disturbing.

I spilled the story to Penn the other day. I couldn't stand the guilt. He won't stand for it. He is upset at me and has been very harsh. What can I say? He says to just end it by drawing a line. But it's my career and BS has the potential to make the remainder months a torture if I cut it off wrongly. On the opposite end, BS has promised to help me should I choose to do his specialty. How do I end it?

Cars and Men

BS sent me a text yesterday saying 

"My car ran out of fuel on the way home".

I texted back saying,

"You are kidding right?"

But he didn't reply. I left it at that thinking that he was teasing me. Then I got to work today. As per usual, sometime in the mid-morning, he bleeped me asking if everything was alright. I asked him how he was and he told me how his wife had injured her foot the day before and she had to be in crutches. He sounded worn out. I popped round to the office with some coffee as we discussed some work. 

His secretaries were in the room so I left the coffee on his desk and went my own way. I was surprised when he didn't call me for lunch. It's become a ritual of sorts now. But as I left the library, I bumped into him in the corridor. He was carrying some crutches and special support bandages for his wife. He asked if I'd had lunch and said sorry but he was headed home for lunch. Then I asked if he really ran out of fuel the other night. Apparently he did. He had ignored the flashing warning light and only got home at 1 am.

He commented that I looked tired. Indeed, I'd had trouble sleeping the night before. Partly because of my disrupted sleep pattern, partly because of him. Unfortunately, he hit the nail on the head and teased me that I'd been thinking about him hence been unable to sleep.

How do I get out of this without jeopardising the remaining months of my job and without smearing both our reputations?

Just an innocent friendship?

It started from having a friendly boss (BS). A young one at that. Then the lunches in the hospital canteen that soon became a daily ritual. In retrospect, even when he wasn't at work, he would call me at work for some reason or other; an audit, a patient, a scan...  Then there was the casual light hand on the small of the back. The flirty banter. All of which I brushed off as innocent camaraderie.

Then we met up after work like I mentioned. BS had been having what seemed like a rough week. He was tired and worn out and I wondered if he was stressed with the job interview coming up. He'd also just finished a dinner with a few of the other consultants and I was wanting to hear the gossip. 

It turned out he didn't know the area where I suggested meeting for drinks very well. We ended up meeting on a road nearby my apartment but he didn't know that my apartment was just round the corner. He was short of time but insisted on meeting up anyway since we'd made the plan. We sat in his car and just chatted about our respective days. 

We sat and talked for close to an hour. He asked me to go round to his house and have dinner with his family the week after but I declined saying I'd do so when after his job interview. He confessed that it wasn't a coincidence that I was working for him. He wanted someone relatively junior because he believed they would look after his patients better. He had the choice between me and someone else and he'd seen me in the corridor and guessed whom I was by my foreign name and had arranged for me to be his team.

I later found out that he had left the dinner before the main course was even served so that we could meet up. It made me uncomfortable. Then I told him he had to leave because it was getting late. As we said our goodbyes, he put a hand around me and gave me a quick hug. I was just about to leave when he gave me a kiss on the forehead. 

I was shocked but just smiled and quickly exited the car. As far as I was concerned, I had only agreed to meet up because I thought we were going out as work colleagues. But his actions at the end indicated something totally different. 

Or do you think it could really be something innocent?

I keep thinking back on my conversation with the Boss (henceforth known as BS). I think of how he kept teasing me about my lack of a boyfriend. He does not believe I can be single and enjoying it. I keep saying I am too busy to have a boyfriend but he just looks at me disbelievingly. I talked about how I always wear dresses the day after I am on-call because I feel so depressed that I need to look particularly feminine the next day. And how he replied about how I like dressing sexily.

How over the phone he told me that I looked really gorgeous and pretty in my dress today. How he told me that he married his wife at the age of 24 years after they met at university. How he needed a massage and a cuddle in order to get a good night's sleep. How his wife would never be able to give him a massage without strumming up an argument. 

The ledge over which lies the steep chasm is very narrow. I'm walking a tightrope. He's my boss. That's not an issue. But he's also married. Something I believe is sacred and would never even be tempted to meddle with.

Reminiscent of a time past

Some of you will remember the Consultant. The one who tried to start an extramarital affair with me when I was a student. It was the start of a string of hopeless relationships with guys. I started my new rotation a few weeks back. My boss is a relatively new consultant and had done fellowships in various countries including the USA.

He was the first person I met on day one of my job in the new department. I didn't realise at that point that he was to be my consultant even though I knew the name of my boss. It was interesting because by the end of day three, he sat me down and said that his style of working was that he was there for advice at any time, about work, social and personal life as he believed it was all interlinked and part of the whole person. 

In week one, we got along like a house on fire. We have lunch together most days and he would bleep me each time approaching lunch hour. He's bought me lunch on all occasions. Week two was a little hit and miss. He was distracted and seemed down. I am sensitive by nature and easily sense changes in people's mood. We were both overworked because the registrar was away for personal reasons, and as efficient as I can be (if I want to), I am very junior and new at this specialty and could not help him much.

He kept on suggesting attending a marathon together and today, he found out that I was on-call on Sunday. He said that he was attending a function nearby the hospital and was finishing at the same time as me. Then he suggested we go for dinner. Now, he's suggested this and also going to a movie together but each time he was joking. I laughed and said sure but was certain he was making another joke.

Imagine my surprise when he texted me this evening asking if I was free to talk. I replied in affirmative and he called me. His wife and kids were out swimming and he felt bored hence called me to chat. We chatted for close to 30 minutes about various things, work and otherwise and he finished by confirming plans to meet up Sunday after my shift.

I wonder if it's a mid-life crisis or if he's feeling insecure being a new temporary consultant at the hospital. His position is not secure for another few weeks when the formal appointment is made. I enjoy talking to him and he's an interesting person, but similarly, I'm aware that there is a fine line between an emotional affair and being good friends...

A messy situation

Last week, there was an impromptu big surgical night out. The whole department from the specialist registrars down to the house officers went out, first for dinner, followed by drinks, an unsuccessful attempt to go dancing (the club was closed for a private event) and finally drinks in a pub by the waterside. 

By the end of the night (around 3 a.m.) our group had dwindled from 30-odd to only 6 people including me, Penn and McBlue. McBlue was getting progressively more intoxicated with tequila and whisky. He now works in another hospital and we hadn't gone out alone for a few months now. I was flirting unashamedly with everyone despite the fact that I was stone sober (I was driving). Mainly because Penn had spent most of the evening entertaining a guest of one of the surgical registrars. He's nice in that way, he will make sure that no one is left out. But I was upset that he wasn't paying me as much attention as I always demand. I'm a drama queen, I admit.

By 3 a.m., I was knackered and Penn said he was going to make a move. I took the chance to leave as McBlue was getting more tipsy and I had a long day. I asked Penn to walk me to my car and ended up giving him a lift back home. Penn laughed at me and said that McBlue still fancied me but I brushed it off. We were good and exchanged a chaste peck on the cheek though he did give me a cheeky flash for "being good" was what he said.

That night I promised to go out with McBlue on his birthday night out the following Saturday. His actual birthday is tomorrow but the celebrations were yesterday night. I joined him late. It was a small party of 6 people, his housemates, ex-work colleague that I know and the colleague's girlfriend. So it was two girls and 4 guys. I was only there because I'd promised him and because it was his birthday celebration. 

We ended up in the most exclusive bar in town. Thanks to all the alcohol his housemates had plied McBlue with, by then, he was pretty intoxicated. He can't hold his alcohol that well. Before long, he tried to make out with me. Maybe I was stupid, but I thought I'd give things a go with him. He really likes me and had done so for the past few months. Since we didn't work together anymore, it was a good time to start dating. 

After a bit of dancing, we couldn't find the rest of the group and McBlue told me that they'd probably left. I was surprised but didn't think twice. We took a cab and he walked me to my door. To cut a long story short, he insisted on coming up for a drink because he was freezing. That was probably a bad idea but he was intoxicated and difficult to shrug off without hurting his feelings. He refused to leave and ended up falling asleep on my sofa. He relinquished his phone to me and I saw multiple frantic messages from his housemates asking where he was. 

Nothing happened because I left him asleep on the sofa while I went to my room. When I woke up the next morning, he had left. I haven't heard from him since and he hasn't replied to my text asking if he was ok. He's accused me the whole night of "being funny" and "not having fun". Of bring a drama queen and of leading him on. It was a surprise to me because he's a pretty straight-laced person and a decent guy normally. I told him I wanted to take things slow, I told him about my boy fast, I told him that I'd just come out of a relationship... What I did not tell him was that I was still hung up on Penn, that I'd dated Penn when he first asked me out, that kissing him had absolutely no spark unlike when Penn. I wanted to but that would have killed his friendship with Penn.

I wanted to protect his feelings because he is a friend after all, but I didn't know how to. This morning, I hashed out the whole night's events with Penn. What a mess I've gotten myself into. I think the three month boy fast was a good idea.