Reading too much into it

Ever since the night of the mess party, there's been no contact between me and WT. I met him briefly in the hospital corridor and we exchanged a few words but we were both in the middle of work. Then on Wednesday, I decided to bite the bullet. 

I texted something random about his upcoming holiday to the Far East. This was around 10.30 am when I was in the middle of an outpatient clinic. For the record, outpatients are extremely boring and are the bane of every surgeon's life. WT was normally fairly prompt in replying texts, within 20 minutes or so. But an hour later, still no reply. I knew he normally had his phone on him. I wondered what happened after I left the club that night.

I was becoming paranoid and starting to hate both him and myself when he replied just after noon. He had been on-call nights and had only woken up. What a relief. A few more texts back and forth and I hinted that I'd gotten my new car and that I was looking to go for a drive. He suggested a nice place and I flippantly suggested that he should come out and see my car. To which he replied that he was already going out that night to celebrate his birthday (a few days later when he would be abroad) with his parents. So I left it at that.

Yesterday evening, I stayed late to scrub in on an operation. It happened that WT was the anaesthetist (that may have partly been a reason that I stayed late). We chatted in the coffee room while waiting for the patient to arrived. His shift ended while we were still in the middle of the case, but he smiled and said goodbye as he swapped with the night anaesthetist and left.

It was a long arduous case and when we finally finished at 10 pm, I had a nice surprise. He had texted me around 8pm saying he had seen my car in the hospital parking lot and that it looked fabulous. I replied that he ought to come out for a spin soon. We'd had some banter about this previously. But no reply and I felt like a fool.

But the next morning as I was driving in to work, I got a long text from WT apologising for not replying the night before. He had been packing and had an early night as he had left to drive to Heathrow at 4am. He said that he was looking forward to a spin in my car when he got back. A few more texts back and forth and he said he would see me when he got back in a few weeks time. 

I wonder if that's all friendly banter and nothing else or could it be something? I'm reading too much into this...

Insecurity

I've been in London this weekend visiting some friends. I spent a lot of the day on my own on the DLR visiting Canary Wharf. Most of that I spent reflecting, gazing out of the windows, lost in my thoughts with my iPhone playing in the background. 

It was interesting actually. Like LH said, perhaps I was a little too harsh on WT. But while my professional life may be in place, my personal life has always been a bit of a mess. I seem to be all dysfunctional when it comes to relationships. I only wish I knew why. I can be all sociable and a flirt with platonic friends and people I'm not interested in. But when it comes to people I care about, well, I just go a bit crazy.

That plus the fact that I'm a typical Scorpio (known to be extremely possessive and jealous!), relationships aren't exactly my forte, just consider my track record... I'm also scared of failure. Not just at the work place but also in my personal life. At least I have some control over things at work. I work hard, stay late, wear myself to the bone. But when it involves other people, well, some things a girl just can't control. That's why I go running instead of doing team sports, because I can do it alone and don't have to rely on other people.

I've always been a bit of a loner and this hasn't changed now. I think I'm going to convert WT into a good platonic male friend in my mind. To save myself the pain of being vulnerable and being rejected. 

WT's not actually all that handsome. He is just a genuinely nice guy. Every single one of my friends who have met him say the same thing. Too nice perhaps. I like a guy who is nice to his close friends but is capable of being stern with other people. He's friendly, makes good conversation, is very sporty (skiing, biking, golf, surfing...), has completed all his anaesthetic exams and is just waiting for his consultant post, has his own place in town, drives a Z4 and he likes his cars. 

It's the perfect package, except that he's just such a bachelor guy. Or maybe it's just with me. I really should forget him, or make him my typical good male friend or just ask him out. And he has to go on holiday for a fortnight now. When he gets back, it'll be another 2 weeks then we all move on...

A friend who met him for the first time at dinner the other day said she didn't think he was that good-looking although he was a nice guy. That he didn't actually match me and that he wasn't in my league and he knew that. But girls would say that wouldn't they? They always stick up for another gal. 

How I was absolutely disgusted with WT (Part 2)

As the guys withdrew into a corner and drank their pints of beer, the girls had a drink then hit the dance floor. I kept drifting back towards the boys but a girl had been chatting to WT for ages. Looked like one of the other anaesthetists I'd seen around so I left them to it. His friend the Spaniard just stood close by joining the conversation occasionally. 

Finally, tired of dancing, I went back to the boys with one of the girls, Em, who is my favourite dancing partner. We cosied into a circular booth and got the boys to sit and join us. We were chatting nicely for a while, me, Em, WT and the Spaniard. Then we got up to get a drink and by the time we got back, there was another girl sat next to WT. She was chatting animatedly away with a vast expanse of thigh (she was wearing a short skirt and crossing her legs in the male fashion) practically on WT. Alright, that was a bit of an exaggeration. 

I felt a bit annoyed but hey, it's a mess party and people get together to meet up after a long while. So instead I turned my focus to the Spaniard and started chatting to him about various things. I wasn't the slightest bit concerned about flirting because I knew he had a girlfriend and I was safe. 

In the meantime, the girl left having been pulled by a guy to go dancing but then kept coming back and shamelessly insisted on sitting next to WT. Eventually, even the Spaniard noticed and suggested offered his glass of brandy if I wanted to throw it in her face. Lol. He even suggested a gun. Hmm. He said he thought she was a bit of a floosie. I was actually surprised. I didn't realise he felt that way too about that girl. I just shrugged my shoulder and said that WT was probably picking her up. The Spaniard leaned across to WT and asked if he was hooking up with her but he just said no, that she had a boyfriend.

Another male friend, and Orthopod, as well as Em who was by then seated back at the booth both commented in secret to me that they too thought she was being a bit cheap and a bit of a slut. This without me bringing up the topic.

By this time, I had had enough. The Spaniard suggested I intervene and perhaps raise a bit of a fight or at least attempt to. I shrugged and said I had to be sure something was worth the effort and perhaps this wasn't. Disgusted, I left for the dance floor. By the time I got back after a lot of carefree dancing, the girl was gone. We sat there drinking for a bit and I chatted to WT for a bit although by this time my heart wasn't in it. 

He talked about getting together after he returned from Vietnam to take my new car out for a spin. I agreed light-heartedly. By that time, I wasn't interested and I just didn't care. As we all left the bar together, WT got collared on the stairs again by the girl to say goodbye. 

I left with Em and the Orthopod to catch a cab. I couldn't be bothered to wait for him. So that's why I am totally turned against him now. Hmm....

He reminds me of NW. NW was always such a nice guy that he had so many girls ringing him, some of which were just platonic friends but some of them were girls of the more slutty vaiety which was one of the reasons I always got so jealous. Perhaps I do go for the same kind of guys...

How I was absolutely disgusted with WT (Part 1)

All our work colleagues gathered together last night for dinner and a night out in town. It was one of the infamous doctors' mess parties. What it entails is a night out with free alcohol until the bar tab runs out, a bit of dancing, a bit of making out and a lot of gossip. All the doctors and medical students make up the crowd.

A few of us decided to go out for dinner before the mess party and as usual, I invited WT. He came along for dinner and we had a fun time chatting and flirting shamelessly all throughout dinner. 

The girls had strategically placed me at his end of the table because they knew I had a thing for him. Indeed, he kept commenting that he was only here by default because he was the only anaesthetist I knew. At least that had been my lame reason given for inviting the only anaesthetist on the table. We were all surgeons or had previously rotated through the surgical department. Mid way through dinner, a friend of his texted him and he invited his friend, the Spaniard, a psychiatrist who lived close by. The Spaniard was the most handsome spanish guy possible, tall, dark and handsome (has a girlfriend though).

Anyhow, I got along well with his friend, or rather I made a good effort to since it always helps being good friends with a guy's friends. We all went on to get some drinks and to the mess party which is where all the trouble started...

Sunbathing

It was such a relief to not be on-call for a day. After my marathon lot of on-calls, I was finally back at work on a regular day. There were no clinics and no theatre lists to attend today. So after the ward round and consenting a couple of patients for endoscopy, I had the rest of the day free to do what ever I wished.

So I ended up in the doctors' mess which has a little outdoor area. Soon, all the girls ended up outdoors where we sunned ourselves and exchanged gossip and chatted about varicose veins and bunions! 

I left for a while to do some discharge summaries (summaries to GPs for every single patient that has been admitted to hospital) and then went back up for a late lunchtime sun session. I was just chilling and relaxing outdoors with the girls when WT turned up. I had never seen him in the mess ever since as an anaesthetist, he spent most of his time in theatres. Anyhow, I was surprised to see him, looking even more tanned than ever. 

I will be honest and by now I was getting fairly frustrated with him. He still hasn't asked me out although he readily agrees to come out to whatever social event I invite him to. But he was on my territory now. The mess was filled with surgeons and ex-house officers of mine and more people I knew kept coming in. I could hardly hold a conversation with him for more than 2 minutes before somebody new strolled in and interjected with a hello and a chirpy greeting. 

In the meantime, I had partly ignored him because I was tired of the whole crush I had on him which was not reciprocated. I'd found a cute house officer who had recently bought a car similar to the one I am picking up soon. We had hit it off talking about cars at a friend's birthday bbq and since then, I had taken every opportunity to flirt with him. I wasn't waiting around for WT anymore.

Perhaps the flirting worked because later the same afternoon, he texted me for no apparent reason. He has texted me before but mostly to check times and venues and to let me know that he was on his way. But this was the first time he had texted me out of the blue. And no, he still hasn't asked me out. But could he be just a little jealous? I can only hope so...

Falling asleep on your feet

We added on a laparotomy on today's elective list due to a cancellation. It was an inpatient who had not settled despite conservative treatment. She had what we thought was an infected pancreatic pseudocyst due to acute pancreatitis. Percutaneous drainage had been attempted and while successful, hadn't made much difference to her clinical condition. 

So today, the consultant decided to open her up and drain the cyst. And we found something totally unexpected. Lots and lots of dead, ischaemic bowel. And not just bowel. Her spleen was non-existent having infarcted, the stomach and liver were sick-looking organs. After an extensive bowel resection, we created a stoma and got out of the abdomen. She went to ITU and we are expecting to have to open her up in 48 hours to find an ischaemic stomach and liver. After which she is guaranteed to probably not make it through this stormy course. 

No one expected her to have dead gut inside her abdomen. She was unwell but not as sick as one would have expected. My consultant took it hard. He was understandably upset.

Fingers crossed she makes a somewhat miraculous recovery. But having seen the state of her internal organs, well.... it would really be a miracle!

But to come back to the topic, I was scrubbed in on the 3-4 hour operation when I almost fell asleep. I'd been on-call for 7 days in a row and had severe sleep deprivation. I kept nodding off despite shifting my weight from leg to leg during the operation. I'd been assisting in laparoscopic cases all day and not doing much operating per se, which was troublesome enough in keeping me awake. My consultant finally noticed and sent me off for a drink. It was embarrassing but I was really exhausted. I could fall asleep even standing up! 

Perhaps it's time for a good night's sleep!

I hope the patient will be stable and better tomorrow. Fingers and toes crossed that she makes it through this episode...

Do I really want to be a surgeon?

Today, for the first in a long time, I questioned my decision to do surgery. I've been on-call for almost three of the past four weeks. This means a minimum of 14 hour days. I've had only three full days off in the past month despite those on-calls. It's not much compared to the US but for UK, it's fairly tough.

It hasn't helped that my registrar is not pro-active and expects me and the intern to do everything on the ward and still help her in theatre. She then tells us we have to have lunch. And wonders why nothing has been completed 20 minutes later. She herself turns up on the ward, finds 8 patients to review, then disappears within two minutes saying she is going for her lunch, despite being on an 800 kcal diet. Really?

It's just been frustrating. I really almost lost it after the ward round this morning. I was close to tears for the first in a long time. I would have broken down and cried if the proverbal straw had landed on my back. As it was, I was saved by going to talk to a family of a patient with newly-diagnosed advanced colonic cancer with liver metastases. As I counselled them through it, held their hand and told them they had to be strong, a bit of my lost empathy returned. 

Sometimes, surgeons aren't that hard. We still care. But the long hours just turn us into automatons. By the end of the shift, I could hardly stand. My hands were shaking and I was close to collapsing. My blood glucose levels felt precariously low and I physically couldn't stand straight anymore. I'm exhausted, physically, mentally and emotionally.

I snap at people around me. I hardly feel empathy or sympathy for the patients, not because I don't want to but because I have no strength left in me to feel anything other than dire exhaustion. 

But two patients I admitted today have a very high likelihood of having advanced cancer, one pancreatic, one colonic. The patient with likely colonic cancer was 92 years, had lost his wife a fortnight ago and was registered blind. But he was the sweetest man ever. Because he couldn't see me, he held my hand as I talked to him and asked him questions. He told me how he had ignored his symptoms and weight loss because he was too busy caring for his now deceased wife. 

Later, as I presented the case to the consultant and she examined him, something broke in me and I almost cried. Indeed the tears did well up in my eyes. I've seen so many people deteriorate and die, and will undoubtedly see many more, so much so that I'm numb now and just don't want to feel anything anymore.

Is this really the life I want?